... so let go...

The fear. We all have different types of fears. But all the fears converge, in a way, to a one particular kind of fear. the Fear of Loosing. It is an emotion, which we all experience, for certain kind of things. A scenario where we may loose what we have. Those anxious moments before exams or sports, they are the fear of failure, the fear of loosing out your prestige in front of others and more importantly the fear of loosing out your prestige in front of yourself. The fear of height or water or other kinds of phobias, they are the fearing of lossing your self to death.

Whenever we are in a state when we are not able to imagine how things will next be, we are in a state of fear. This hinders us from taking the next step, because you will invariably think, 'What if I don't make it??'. The element of risk. No wonder why they say, 'The greater the risk, the higher the returns'. Its not the returns we are thrilled about it is the journey towards those results, which makes us thrilled. That every moment, before you reached there, when you thought, 'Ohl, only if this happens'. The joy is not in achieving what you wanted but the joy is in understanding that you have worked your way despite of all the odds and have been successful. There are those, but certainly in very less numbers, who just try and inspite of there failures still smile.But I am not talking about them.

But an altogether different things come into picture, when you bring some of your traits and mix them up with your fears. I think thats when most of us make mistakes, stupid mistakes. Its not wrong to make mistakes, but its wrong, when you repeat them. There are some mistakes, which are irreversible, and then there are some whose are reversible. It is commonly said, 'To Break is easy, but to fix what is broken is equally difficult if possible at all'. Some us do not venture out to
mend what they have broken. Mostly I believe for the simple reason that admitting that have you have made a mistake is difficult. All kinds of excuses are given, especially, the name of misunderstanding. The motive is often discussed. The motive when action was being done, and the motive when apologizing. But whatever kind of excuses or reasons you may give, it does not change that something wrong was done. Admitting it and maybe mending the consequences can altogether help in a different way. In a way, to understand that, it doesnt change what you actually are. It may change the other peoples' perspective, but if the perspective can be changed that easily, it can be changed, again so easily, with a admission to fault. We just have to understand that, it is not important. We just need to let go

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

-Let Go by Frou Frou

PS : I have told these are random thoughts, so don't complain, if it is
not streamlined or if it is not in sync or if there is jumping of thoughts in between. Don't complain if it doesn't make sense, because it makes sense to me !! So Let Go !!

SAHARA

SAHARA means support.
Its funny how we took up the name. The whole story of just to have a name and which also goes along with BHAROSA meaning trust. But besides the name, there is nothing else a resultant from the association from the BHAROSA-ians

So what exactly is SAHARA??
At best it can be described as an occult, with a total of 8 morons following the whatever there is to follow, at best can be described as insanely passionate and emotional if not religiously. Funny weird looking and acting creatures performing equally weird conversations and activities within themselves.

If I stand outside for a moment, away from the group, trying to picture myself as not part of it (though it is very difficult to imagine that) and try to understand these people, I would no doubt say they have the 'Agra' effect on them. Even in one those things that we did, many of us acknowledged that, sometime in future, we would look back and realise how 'out of our minds' we were. But even though I look back and do that, I am glad I did it. Life is not all being about smart, mature and figured out, its also about the child, the emotions and the trust which somehow bonds all humans together.

Guys in late teens and early twenties moving out of home for the first time and joining college. Looking back, we didn't have anything common way back then. Different sections of classes, different streams of education, different places from where we each are and the different backgrounds of both life and family structure. What exactly did brought us together, I sit down and now wonder !! I guess this is what people call Chemistry or 'the frequency matches'. But whatever it is, it made us all share a bond that is difficult to describe. Two guys who went to the same high school, two guys who, in there early childhood, lived in the same neighbourhood, two guys who are brother by blood and a guy who just links us all up together. Well that's how it started, with another one joining after an year.

So what is it. Why do we bond so well ?? We don't match much. We all have somethings that each of us hate about other. Then why do we stick around. During these past few months,I have realised there were a lot of interesting people in College, whom I had never talked in College. Thinking of why, I figured out that I was so content with Sahara as my friends that I never bothered to look beyond them. I never felt any need or want or desire to look for some other people to hang out. I had them in my class, on my way back to the room from college, in the room. I had them around me, when I would go to in to those weird moods, when everything around me would look immaterial, they were around also when I was in those pessimistic frenzies of mine or those when I would think that life is not taking its desired shape. There were also those days when we would decide things on the moment. As I write this, some of the few things come into my mind, as if they just happened, and I think I should share them

Venue : Conference Room, Anand Engg. College. A Day after a company visited the campus for recruitment.

It was one of those days, when everyone around me was dull. This is when on the very next day of company campus, when all those who didn't get placed, were at lowest possible levels of themselves questioning everything that came into their way. Mr. Bhatia, the then TPO had called all of us for some discussion. During the discussion, the girl commented on the topic which we used for debating, population. One of us, Vikram, had debated for population to be a boon for us. All she had done was to say that it was the most stupidest thing to go for. Vikram shot up and explained his point, after her counter argument came all of us, one by one, including me, bringing out the fact the US is the third most populous country, after China and India. People didn't believe. Mr.Bhatia went on to say that it was Brazil. We all gave some reasons or the other. And a lot of things what we said were guess work and made up things just to make a point. During our internal 'addas' we frequently ourselves thought that Population was to some extend a problem. But it was not about what we thought, we were just there with Vikram, to support him and tell all that it was his fair choice and logical reasoning why he took that decision. No one had a right to say that he was wrong. Specially some other student who thinks of something of herself, which she was not!!

Conclusion : We would be there for each other, not because he was right, but because he relied, believed that we would be there for him. Backing him up. It was not something planned,discussed, it was instantaneous. I have never forgotten that day.

I think I can cite a lot of other incidents and accidents. But I am not very good at explaining, so I will just skip it.
With all this, I just want to say, the time I spent with them wherever I was, could not have been any better. Its the best way I think I have spent that time which was available to me.

Another one,

Being the Atheist I am, I never go to temples or any other place (I like to go to church though, solely for the silence though, not religious purpose). The famous Mann ka Meshwar mandir in Agra, I did enter there. Since I have entered I will pray. There is no harm in trying is there !!. So after performing the rituals and coming out. Anurag asks "Did you pray in English or Hindi??". I don't pray aloud, my lips don't move, so what prompted him to ask the question?? I knew in which language I prayed. Funny, I never noticed that myself, but he could make out. 4 years together, and he knows me to this extend that I was literally shocked. Imagine the bond, we were able to read each others thoughts, predict each others words and actions in advance. Could it get any better ?? Its not the only where it happened. I remember in G. B. Pant ( there is another bunch of stores I can tell you about that trip, that me, gaggi and somu, did, but I wont take it here !!). Somu had a dream, a night prior to his presentation (comeon we all dream of things before any big day!!.. provided we get sleep :D ). In his dreams Dr. Sussarla had asked him to concentrate on the points, on the main points. Whilst he was telling us about it, I told him it was very 'obvious'. He smiled( I still remember that smile !!) and said, that's what I told him in his dream also. I sometimes feel so scared that these guys no me know as open as a book !!

We had no boundaries within ourselves. What was his was mine, and what was mine was his. The only thing that we didn't touch of eachothers was money, not because the other had stopped us, but because it was myself only which will not touch his. Only Gagan and Varma and Somu had cellphones amongst all. I used Gaggi's cell for my communication, to the extend, that it was with me for more time then with him. Almost daily, for more than 4 hours each day, it was with me at night. I never complained. I think he needed it during those times, and I think it didn't go well with him, but funny he never complained about it to me. If you knew Gaggi I am very sure you will that is highly unlike him!! The feeling was not it is mine and his, it is ours. It was not capitalist set up, but a total Marxist way of living life.

Timing Basav for his non stop talking, to pulling Mehandi's (Rohit) leg. To sit for hours and talking (adda marna) and playing computer games in shifts for days in continuous (including bunking college). It was all amazing!!. The first time we drank, the first crushes, the first time we
talked to gals, the first gals the first breakups. It was all something that makes those life amazing.

Have you ever gone into a restaurant and eaten to such an extend that the waiter asks you "Abhi aur khaoge??" ("You will eat more ??") with a baffled look. Imagine 8 guys in a high class restaurant , ate for over three hours with over 5 rounds of order, he was so tired with serving one big table (joining 2 small ones) and serving a bunch of college students who were eating like they were starved and had not seen food for some weeks. We were the guys who would try all kinds of foods and be happy, able to survive on kind of edible stuff. We used to order food by the serial number on the menu in one particular restaurant, we used to drink ATLEAST 2 bottles of coke or thumps up whenever we drank it. The guys who will finish of there room mates lunch, and ask him to cook more !! :)

We had a real tough time with girls, we used to hate some particular girls (KB , SS are the first two names that come to my mind, they may not have to be same for all of us!!), our relationships. The good thing was we had each other, with whom we were able to talk freely and expect them to atleast give there point of view. If whether they thought we were right or wrong. I will not go into the details, but I remember, Basav once told me " A girl can never remain your friend after she is married". There were a lot of things he had told me at that day, most of which I had disagreed. But he had told me those, I had listened. I am sure he did not expect me to do as he wanted, he knew I will not, but he still told me, for my own good. Years later, I confess, some of those things are correct !!

If you think, that we used to do stuff what only friends do, then its wrong, we were way more than friends. Friends don't take care of you when you are infected Chicken Pox, to the extend that they shift rooms, so that you can stay, arrange all your food, and feed you. Taking care of your daily needs and diet. Nor do they teach you how to wear your clothes, how to comb your hair, how to brush your teeth or how to keep yourself clean. Its job of your parents. But we all did do these things to each other at one point time or the other. Its not the big things that matter, its the reminiscence of these little, small gestures that bring a smile to your face !!

I am not handsome, and never any body had told me that I was looking good.My poor dressing sense being the main culprit for it. Until it Cerebrum 2003. It was the first time I was supposed to present a paper. My job was only to concentrate on the paper, the other things which included the dressing was suppose to be taken care by these people. With a very limited wardrobe which I prefer to keep, for purely logistic reasons. I must tell you it was not an easy job with them. But ever they did, I had more "Looking Handsome !! " comments on that particular day then I think all cumulative of the other days in my life.

Not many know us as Sahara as a group of friends, but those who did, I figure, think very highly of us. I have heard quite a few things about us, but one particular comment stands out for me. It was in the eighth semester, Ankur was with us in one of our Birthday parties or trips in Sadar. We were the normal ourselves and at times tried our best to make Ankur feel part of us. We tried our best, I am not sure if he felt anywhere left out or not. But at the end of the days, when we were almost through with our ice-creams', Ankur told "I had never has so much fun, on a Birthday treat. We also have these, but it is never like this." I don't know what made him say that, but whatever it was about us, It made me feel very Proud, not of me, but of the Guys !!

You know, I can go on and on, talking about us SAHARA-ians, but no matter how much I talk, it will still make feel that I am not doing justice to the bond we share.

So no matter how much I write, how hard I try, I am not going to feel satisfied. So I will stop here.

In the end, I will quote the Oxford Dictionary in the year 2020 :

Sahara : A Hindi word meaning support
A huge group of companies in India.
An highly uncommon surname in India
A synonym of Friendship and brotherhood.

"Hum Aath rang hain, yeh duniya rangeen banaenge"

Sahara :

Soumyanath Ghosh aka somu

Rohit Mehandiratta aka mehandi,

Gagan Gopal aka gaggi

Anurag Sharma aka anu

Vikram Jyoti Nath aka vicky

Basav Jyoti Nath aka bash

G. S. R. Varma aka varma

and me !!

On my way here...

Although my journey to here was pretty much uneventful, there is one incident, which has played a great role in shaping my thoughts of what I expect here.

My flight here was almost 6 hours late (this is usually expected when you travel with the Air Lines) taking off 2 in the morning from the scheduled 8 the previous night The Airline staff had to arrange our dinner in one of the lounges. You would understand the lounges are usually small or small for an audience of 200 odd passengers, there was a queue leading up to the buffet table. The limited number of table meant that as soon as you finish your dinner, on a table which you are sharing with your co-passengers, you make for the next one so that they can also have their meal. When I reached my table, there was already two guys enjoying. One I can say was travelling for the first time, by the looks of his unsure methods whilst the other was a seasoned traveller and I think accustomed to this delay.

Me joining with them would make a complete set of a rookie, a pro and an occasional player in me. The fourth seat was occupied, later, by a japanese lady. (Dont get your hopes up, this is happening with ME, shewas not pretty !!)

Since the wait was pretty much tiring and there were not many things available to eat, I guess I was not the only one hungry. All three of us had hit for a second set of helpings. All this, as I tell you, was happening without anyone of us talking to the other. We hadn't introduced ourselves to each other, and there had no reason also, I was going to hit the sack as soon as I land myself an
aircraft seat. The rookie unsure of what he was required to do of the plate has slowed down his eating so that he could figure out the same from the pro. He could have asked it, but I tell you, rookies are not good at asking stuff which may seem very obvious. I must tell you, it was not obvious for me too, but I had it figured out from what I saw of happening at the other tables,largely due to a better sitting place availing the view.

As was happening, the pro, after finishing his food, simply wiped himself clean and headed outside, leaving his plate on the table. This being India, none of us would have found anything wrong with that. With a sigh of relief, the rookie, finished also and did the same. So on the table now, left was only the lady and me. The foodie I am, I still had to finish off. In the meantime, the lady after finishing her meal and leaving her plate behind like the rest of the guys, gathered all the plates and cups on the table, and kept them in a neat orderly fashion, one on top the other.

There was no reason why she should have done that , given that we don't usually have the attitude of picking up others' used plates. The look on her face was not a revealing one of her thoughts, thought only i could make out that she was pretty exhausted with the long wait. I didn't really understand what to make out. What shocked me was not that she cleaned up the table, but she did what people usually dont like to do even if they are paid for it. But whatever it is, It made me realise you can do things the way you want to, even if the general public does not
approve of it, or does not want to do it themselves.It kept me pondering, and I still do it.

You want to know what I did my plate ?? I left it where I ate my food and not on the pile tacked by the lady !!

BODMAS of Girls

Well this was told by a friend way in school. I still think it is valid
to a great extend and besides it is funny !!

I call it the BODMAS of gals after the early way of learning the
priorities of mathematical operations over each other, though actually
it can be called only the DMAS of girls. So here it is

Girls will cause

Division - of your money
Multiplication - of your problems
Addition - of your enemies
Subtraction - of your friends

Interesting...ain't it !!

Obsession

I recently realised how obsessed I am with ... myself !! Does this mean that I am all self-centered. Lets just take it I am .. so it is something wrong ?? Do I need to improve it or it is just one of those small things that define me... things which are part of my Characteristic Equation which do not have a very high weight but they do shape up my day to day life ...

Well this obsession, or whatever it is.. has help me realise what factors govern that equation of mine...and it also helps me understand.. on rare occasions though... what others think of me..as I end up asking certain questions which many 'normal' people don't ask... and may be it is some extended talk of the 'I like U' stuff I talked about earlier, only hurdle in that is people should be willing to give an honest opinion, the brunt truth..

This obsession also find me critically taking everything that i have assimilated over a period of time, which may be a year, a month, a day or a simple conversation... and then trying to link up things that have no relation at all between themselves.. but then I look for he omens, the signs which may be just there.. and I may have lost them, missed them.. but I do later realise things.. which just fall in place..

I know I am slow to realize things which are following a pattern.. which are there in front of me.. and are very obvious.. its not that I am dumb ( and whatever made you think that for that matter ??) ...its only that I have better thoughts ... in my mind.. with which I would rather spend time on.. about myself.. then something else.. which is simple going on around me .. falling in to pattern.. it doesn't matter .. that later I may realise it should have been taken account..but I am sorry.. right now.. I am in my own world...!!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I previously talked about Friendship and also I talked about Selfishness and how it is embedded in each one of our lives, so deep, that we dont even notice it. To add on to what I have previously talked about I just want to add on a line from the title song from the famous SitCom F.R.I.E.N.D.S

"I will be there for you....b'coz you are there for me too !!"

Simply summarizes all the obligations and return back stuff. And no word is more important in the above line the word Because, as it tells all what I wanted to tell about. !!

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Master of my Fate and Captain of My Soul

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul
In the fell clutch of circumstances
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of change
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the year
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Invictus by William Ernest Henley

The Matrix Part II (The movie)

Interesting time I am going through.. somewhat like a crossroad.. but its a strange kind...you would remember I talked about ego and also I talked about choices one had to make.. remember the boy.. who will try even if he wont achieve it..??

Taking a decision to start is easy...but what happens when you are half way through...do you snap..or do you keep on continue..when do you stop ??
There is something I know I will not get...I am even not sure whether I want it...but I am enjoying it(enjoying it does not mean that I have it..so dont get confused)...so should I try to get it..well why do I need it...its a simple answer..its because.."All I want is Everything"...and so I want it.. but I wont get it.. but I do have some little hope..in my heart...within myself..that I have tiny winy chance..all I need to do is say the right things..at the right time..and keep my fingers crossed....Is it that simple ??
Well the simple answer is no...its not even that simple..infact ...it may be so.. that achieving that is not feasible..
As I write this.. I realise..that if I really want it..I will get it.. there is nothing stopping me from that..but there is something that scares me...may be I am not ready for it...I am not really sure..as usual I am confused..

Even all this confusion and all the reason why I might not get it..I still try.. or am still trying.. Why ??... because I dont know when to give up.. there is this little hope.. always in my mind(What is mind??) that I can get it.. and even if I dont get it.. my only job is to try .. not to wait for the whatever the outcome will be...because even if I dont achieve the goal..I will realise Why its not for me..or What I really want..or maybe Whats good for me..Also again..there is this Ego(Oops, here it comes again)...If I dont try..I feel I am afraid of loosing...If I give up..I am afraid of trying ...trying hard....If I fall down..and dont try again....I am afraid of standing up..and risking it all over again..afraid of admitting that I can loose...

So at the end..I keep on trying it..even if at the end of the day.. I look like a fool...even if at a later stage in life..I look back and realise how stupid I was.. and am..

But wait a minute...Why I am stupid..for trying what I knew I will not get ??.. Sorry my man..you are wrong...Stupid...for not trying it hard enough...for not understanding the very obvious reasons...stupid..for feeling the cold feets ..of deciding whether I should go ahead try...or not...because at the end of the Day .. I will go ahead and try.. and later on.. those little trying will give me the reasoning .. and understand.. Who really I am.. and What really I want...above all understanding.. Why I need and want..!!

The decisions have been made...your fate has been decided...it is already known what choices you will make in life.. but the reason why you have to make those choices is to understand.. why you HAVE to make those choices...to understand the reasons of choosing them over the others!!

Thats the jist.. I dont remeber the exact words.. its from The Matrix Part II (The movie)

...lost...again.. so Why ??

Why do I feel the way I do.. My heart is heavy.. again..something has irked deep down.. but am unable to understand..what! Why do I keep on having expectations.. yet repeatedly I give to advice to others.. not to expect anything from anyone.
Why does minute things irk me.. which others are not bothered even about. Am I so emotional ?
Almost each day, I have tried to understand the various reasons.. yet I have been unsuccessful..to find out who I am ?? Funny how some do expect to understand me.. some can ..but they also are not very sure..when another shade is revealed.. so at the end.. what makes me.. that sometimes I myself am surprised... who controls all the ambiguities with in me...

So many times.. others have been wrong.. so many times.. I wish I would not be that way.. and I have tried.. then why am I not successful .. in changing the perspective.. what others have.. what I have..

Is it so important.. or should I just not care..and move on.. but still deep down.. I know.. it will come back to me again..

Looking back.. sometimes I feel I was foolish.. sometimes I think of the reasons.. sometimes I try to remember why....but right now.. I know the consequences.. I know the result.. but then why do I eagerly wait..to go.. to move forward.. to fall..
At the end.. I know.. I will get hurt.. so Why ??

yet again.. the words echo.. yet again.. I find a different meaning..

Frown at my ownself...
for A reason still a mystery to me..
Wondering why I am doing so ..
I do it still unwantingly ...

My Names ...:D

Well..with all the crap..lets have something interesting.. I think it is funny..

Traveled as I have...and the different places, schools, cultures I have been through..I have been addressed with a whole variety of different names.. thought it could be funny and interesting if I you know.I have also tried to give reasons also.. they are solely of why I think they were given to me.

When I was in Jeddah ( I cant remember anything earlier to that)

• Buneet - I think they had problem in pronouncing my name. :D
• Peanuts - resembles close to my name ...and it funny

those are the only i remember

When in Delhi

• Tiger - for a very brief time it was , there was this TV serial called Tiger on DD Metro (I think). Well we used to play this game where by u had to take the whole other team as captive. So the person who could not be kept captive, I had to hold him. They thought I was strong at that time...atleast at one point of time I have been :D
• Mota - This is the pre-dominant name I had in that place. I guess after all I was not strong...I fat ;)

When in Harare

• Mu-Rungu - Means the fair colored one. Well I am dark, but among all them I was fair..but it was nothing to be proud of...but Mr. Siziba used it a lot
  
• Mu-India - Means from India. So I was an ambassador for my country..huh ?? But it was interesting and fun.. you know.. to be addressed as a country.. imagine .. Bharat Mata..and me Bharat.. hahaha...I am male though :D
• Kid - Well I happened to be the youngest already.. then I shifted to Lower 6 while I should be in Form-3. Imagine..every one around is 20-21, you 14.. it was good to be a called a kid. I stuck to this name..I will take this again latter though
• leadpb - This one..I took it up myself.. I think I was a big dumb nerd at that time..let me explain how it is related. My first name starts with a P and my last name with a B. Hence the pb. If you go to the periodic table, pb, is lead. Hence leadpb. Also lead is shields a lot of things. This can again be covered separately. But tell you.. that's where I start to become a real bore.. by any standards for that matter :D
• puntin - now I dont know how it came...but my history teacher couldn't recall my name every time he saw me.. so he resorted to something he could.and this was it.
  

and in Agra

• Zimbabwe - I can be the only guy who has been addressed with names of countries I think..two for that matter... This was mainly due to the fact that I just arrived from there...and it was a big mess during the ragging period. For those who don't know.. Zimbabwe is a country in the southern part of Africa. Home of the mighty Victoria Falls
  
• Bhattu - the loved once name..
• kiddo - a derivative of kid.. and still being used by a group of people
  

In Pune

• Param - Mmm...time to brag.. :D I like this.. Param is the Supercomputer in CDAC..the first developed there..still very advanced.. Gud to be called something intelligent rite.. tell you what.. I personally feel..computers are stupid..and they are the future idiot boxes
  

Well I have been called 'lallu' a lot.. its not good to be called..but very nice to hear from the person who calls it...


A brief explanation of Kid..and why Kid

As far as I remember it was first coined to me by Casper Marowa. The guy who had topped in his class from Form1 straight to Form4 all the months back after back...and the Head Boy at that point of time. He was the only who had taken 4 subjects (the standard was 3)...before I joined him. With all the hype around me...and whatever.. I was still a young one.. who just happened to be there.. a kid..until people realised I was giving a run to all of them at least in 2 of the subjects..
But otherwise.. it made me realised.. I still had to nurture a lot of things socially, academically and personally.. so I stuck with it..thinking I will take it away when the rite time comes..
In Agra.. when we were learning the basics of Internet...I was trying to open all my ids with leadpb ( I still have a leadpb as ids on a lot of various mail servers) but unfortunately yahoo's leadpb had already been taken...so i went for kid. 3 letters is not sufficient.. so I had to think of something else...or something more.. so I came up with kid_unltd (meaning kid unlimited).
Latter down the years.. I realised.. I was going to be a kid for a long time to come atleast on the personal front.. and it was something good I chose for myself...In CDAC.. during one of the feedback sessions.. (I got tons of positive feedbacks...time to brag again.. :D)..but Scientist gave it only two words. he is KID Un Limited... but also there..in a goofed up experiment...the password of that ID got changed ...and ... no one knows what it is....so its dead.. I had to come up with something else...coz.. chatting was the basic medium I was in touch with my family...I came up with kid_vlsi...
Ahan one more thing...for a couple of weeks.. when the internet was newly launched at my college...we had these chatting sprees...so I had a another yahoo id at time also.. though it was only for ...say a 2 week period.. coz thats only the time our internet worked at college....the id was loverboypb well..:D... kid_vlsi is basically an alternate profile of loverboypb...well right now loverboypb..does not come online now.. i should relaunch it again....wat u say..??

Ok.. nothing was remotely funny or interesting..but hey.. u got to know about loverboypb..so stop cribbing :D

Being funny is nice..making fun out of others is cool..maybe ok..but taking your mistakes and making a joke..laughing on them is a personality !!

I Like you ...means...Who are you !!

Did you know...??
I Like U...what does it mean ??
Well it means Who are you !!


This is a special case, in which I Like U has a meaning that is way away from normal interpretation. The method by which it is concluded can be very controversial, but if a little thought is given, it makes a lot of sense, atleast to me it does.

What do you think two strangers meet, they talk about ?

When two people meet for the first time, and they have a conversation that last more than the regular introducing, their conversation is based merely in knowing each other. A lot of data on personal interests is shared, a lot of likes and dislikes, passions and hobbies. All this data when interpreted in the sense, tells what the persons is, his interest, his passions, the hobbies that he takes up tells a lot about the persons attitude, toward the things he likes. How he feels about certain aspects of life.

But looking at the conversation in a different way, only taking the words we can see being the most dominant words in a conversation between any two people who have met the first time, we can conclude that certain words come up again and again. That is ofcourse after the basic introduction!! (I have only tried to reduce some controversy in adding this line here)

"I have been..blah blah blah...and I am still ...blah blah..but I like...blah blah..you should...blah blah ..will like..blah blah.."

Listen to this for some more time you can make out the 3 words ....
I
U
LIKE

These words, tend to be the most dominant in a conversation...
In a way, the overall understanding of the conversation is, each one of the participant tries to find from the other who he is. In other words, every think points in direction of "Who are you"
To facillitate the getting out of the meaning, by way of finding his interests, the first person tells his interests so that the other person is more comfortable in sharing.. hence he happens to tell what he like and then asking his...in effective it comes out like "I Like this.. what about you"

and then the most common words out of the conversation are "I Like You"

While the conversation was using the words "I Like You" the effective meaning was "Who are you" !!

=> How I thought of this one
I went to G.B. Pant University(There are a lot of memories and things that I can talk about that trip) for a paper presentation. In one of the contests, this question was there. What are the three most common words in any conversation. It was an interesting question, and by far the most thought provoking. I figured it was "I Like You" and I think it was the only thing that I wrote correct. The organisers had a different answer, I was very much satisfied with the answer I had come up with.

Recently having a conversation I asked the same very question
What do you think two strangers meet, they talk about ?
The answer was very different but a made a lot of sense also.
"Who are you?"

It sure does make a lot of sense to me...!!

NB : For those who are shy, for those who flirt, for those who want to say... I Like You...
I find this to be a very interesting way !!

Maturity- Part 1

A gal and A boy of the same age, A gal is likely to be more matured !

At first I disagreed, then I agreed and now I disagree again, infact I will correct it.

A gal of lesser age than a boy, still the girl is likely to be more matured !!

Think again...if the gal clearly knows it can't be done, she wont will..as you will agree ... no sane person will. The gals know exactly what they want, they can prioritize stuff and then choose accordingly, weighing one over the other. Gals cry because somebody has hurt them, when words can't help, tears do.

The boy, will try, give his 100 %, even if he knows he will not succeed. He tries not because he wants to succeed, just to make sure he will not have any regrets in future of not trying. He doesn't know what he wants, he cannot priortize. Simply because "all he want is ...everything"
and he cannot decide what he should give up inorder to get what other. Ever seen a boy crying ?? He cries when he has hurt himself, he does not cry when others have, he simply picks himself up and walk forward, cursing and fighting his way !! He cries out of frustration, of not being successful.

So who will say, gals are not mature, they understand all these things. But what to do.. thats how they are made...

I don't want to change, so don't expect me to change for you.

If I change, for the whatever reasons I have to

Don't expect me not to change, because thats what I have to be !

Being Selfish the Way we Are -- Friendship !!

A Friend in need
Is a Friend indeed !!

The most famous qoute about friendship...and the most selfless nature of our lifes..and still it potrays vast amount of selfishness. We constantly require people to be there when we need them the most. We always expect that our best friends will be there...when we are in the worst!

Its fair enough to expect that ... but is not selfish to condemn the one who is not there... He promised to be your friend.. but he did not promise to be there at his expense.

How many times we encounter.. we are a friend of someones...because we want to be.. not because that there is a mutual understanding we be each others friend. Is there any case where A's best friend is B whilst B doesnt even call A his friend ?

What I am talking is not feasible, its not realistic.. but then.. why do we call friendships as selfless...are they really selfless ??

A & B are best friends, they hang out together ..they help each other ... they are there for each other almost always. But why, why don't they go out of there limited and venture with people they dont know. Do people have a very small appetite for friends ? No its not the appetitite thats in question. Its the question of fulfilling the obligations, that come along with it...

And the number of friends are the greater the number of obligations, and during this chain of fulfilling obligations, we realise, there is only a limited number of people, with whom we are able to complete this chain of obligatory deeds.

But being selfish, for our own needs, the relationship we call FRIENDSHIP, is an unique one for which there are some who really live for. This for a very simple reason, these are the people who know all your inhibitions, your flaws, your deeds which can be both good and bad, your stupidities, your annoying things, still stick around you , with you, for you.
They give you the frank advice, they criticize you but rarely compliment you for they know that they have to make you a better man so that they themselves will be proud to say " I am his Friend !"
They are there for you, will be for you and you will do the same.

Wandering around, all alone, I thought I was perfect, I was right
Someone tagged along, made me realise I was wrong,
With a browsed Ego, I still tagged along,
For I knew it was the shoulder on which I could lean On !!

...the moment....

What's it about the mountains ... that draws me towards them
The clouds around, its just mystic ...i get the feeling of being what I can be...
The same insight that draws back from a long time..of being above the world and oblivious to what is beneath...

The clouds..also cover whats above.. they allow me to just be there.. in the moment...and absorb whats around me...in the moment.. where I can be free or I am !

The peaks..so high.. wonder how it would be to stand on top...view down below....the clouds touching them like...a mother covers her child... is it a hidden mystery..or just a simple game of hide and seek.. whatever..it just draws me towards it.

There is water...and from there..its totally a different story.. its like a stage set...for the nature to do its tandem dance...

The wind blows..with me sometimes..and against me the others... both the feelings are different...they are unique , they cant be compared with each other.. like I once did...they just tell different stories of their own...and again.. all it takes a second ... alone..the eyes closed...the moment...it will be always there..and is sure..

Only thing missing is ...may be the droplets..no matter how much it is not wanted ... but its fun ..when it is there..all one needs to do is to leave what he has then and there..its all about the moment.. and there are so many of these here...
It makes you feel in air...no the heart is not sinking...but the heart is alive...its feeling and wanting all the more..all the time.. but too much of any thing is bad.. is it not ?

The colors are there...but they dont attract me.. "God must be a painter.. thats why..maybe.. he has so many colors in life...", this is true...from green , yellow, orange to red..all are here..some are brown...but the colors do not attract...they are only colors...like the ups and downs..but i m not crazy enough for them..there is something else..that i want...

There is so much beauty..the water the mountains the clouds and the trees.. I am seeing what I have always... But now I dont believe it...there is something missing...but still it is better from the place I am coming from and where I will be soon going...

All I am trying is to hold on to the moments.. to get the most out of them now.. and for the future that is to come...
the steps that I take...
drag me back...
for the hour I spent...
a moment ticks by

I long for...

I long for ...
the warmth of ...
Days gone by
when you were mine
and now those days are memories of time!!

Life's empty
without you... by my side
My heart belongs to you...
No matter what I try !!!

4 Season's of lonileness -- BOYZIIMEN

My HomeTown

Islamabad : I was almost born there...almost...but physically almost, so I am told. I have no memories of watsoever. What do you expect in the few early months of my life. No this is not My HomeTown

Delhi : Early days of my life, which I remember. The way I used to run around the way I used to trouble people. Getting hurt, crying and then reaching home...all the experiments with myself...lucky I am still alive..and so are the others around me... I didn't mess up...did I. But where was I...I do remember..but when I return.. no..my marks are not there..No this is not the place I know...No this is not My HomeTown

Jeddah : Pressure of expectations. I did try...I did fail.. I tried again...I excelled!! Friends are not made by religion, but they are lost because of it. As young as I was...I felt the consequences of the one Dec 6th...I heard things which were far from our age...saw things which were far again... Early learning phase of my life...did learn..my friends were there....the sharing...the understanding...different religions..which were really not a root of problems...Religion does not matter.. no not to me...I still remember a lot of things...but not all...No this is not My HomeTown


Delhi : Things don't remain the same...I knew what was happening around me...tough lessons of life...you learn them here...also..even the older people are foolish ...and for a small mistake.. pay a price for lifetime...learned what was cricket..and lot of other things...friends were there because of this ...only...i guess...No one likes you..if you don't perform. Teachers were good...the school is still there.. though having a total different face. First understanding of jealous..first experience with show-offs..or that's what I say...and say.."I don't like it, don't want to do it". Maybe because I cannot draw the attention. Lost bets..and danced...called people what I feel they were...but it is lost.The remains are still there...still when I reach back..I know some things..or so I think.. but.. No this is not My HomeTown

Harare : Colour does not matter...it really doesnt. Being the 'Mu-Rungu' or 'Mu-India', the after effects of racial discrimination were still there...but yes..it never made things difficult atleast. People respect you..your deeds..not your colour. A lot of interesting people..which have a lasting effect...young people..understand life...very early in life. Confidence...which is now...or atleast until a few months ago... oozing..such that , I had to be deliberately nervous...so that the over-confidence does not steps in. Defining my principles..my rough priorities...understood.
Expectations..they were for the first time met...and met more than what was expected...yes..ofcourse...fame...the taste was there...Patience defined the new...words never mean anything now...independence...yes...Money...there is no need..life can be happy without it also. Gals.. yes the first crushes...french classes..for the conversation of combination of un-understandable french and english... the pressure..and zeal to perform. Cricket was there.. and so was achievement with it.. or so I think...first job...and first time turning the job down with more money...for a job which was more interesting...Misery...seen it..understood it...Want to Remove it.. hope I can do it. Optimism...that's where I understand it came from...never heard 'it can't be done'.. always heard..'lets try it'...Believing that whatever happens...happens for the good...Don't force the life around...Books, the respect came ... and defined me!! Suddenly they were the most important possessions. The mother nature...showed how beautiful she is...the world's view...and the reason to conquer it came immediately...the cub I held...or the night of zillion stars...lighting up the dark sky...the chance of seeing the victoria falls...up side down..still rues me..but they had there reasons...Responsibility with trust and freedom..yes..the Golden Era...The "once in a million" or the "pleasure to teach" or the "going to fast" all came from this place...its best to speak.. rather than keep it in your heart...there is no need to hide feelings...they are meant to be shared...And yes..the place I started writing...atleast the song...The time is still fresh.. like a movie ..its rewind and replay...any point of time wherever and whenever but only replay..not relive...yes have moved from there..I remember the roads, there names...the streets, the sports club, the school, the people...but still I was a 'Mu-Rungu'. I will always be an outsider...no..I think it is mine.. but...No this is not My HomeTown

New Delhi : The three months...the time when I wont rust...or so I tried...yes...strange things...A-Levels from University of Cambridge exempt you from TOEFL...but they wont get you an admission in some of the states...yes...rejection ... even if you are capable of ...because english was not a subject...I don't mind that...I went to a better place instead. 3 Months is not enough to make it mine..lets move on.. No this is not My HomeTown


Agra : People...that's what the place was all about... Good people... Bad people.. Trustworthy People..and not so Trustworthy people... Fine tuning what I want from others...yes expectations were there which were not fulfilled...respect...yes...I got that...statements like..."If you said, you will get the highest priority" or "he has it all planned, and he will reach where he wants to go" or "you don't need pdp classes" My favorite..any how..also comes from here..." you are always smiling" yes.. that's the way things should be....staring in blank... yes...all came from here. Gals..defined a lot...and changed a lot...yes..the trust is not there...not any more. The meaning of friendship...I understand it now...SAHARA...the second family...yes..I met them here... From caring to fighting...from drinking tea at night 4 to marathon movie race of 7 movies...the cooking ..because of which I am surviving...the 'adda'...I all get it from here...clearly the best time...the place I was able to screen out the people in my life...I was considered mature...
The place I started to write...the way I write now... the fights with people...the trade fair trip...!!
Yes a lot of trips...from leh, to goa , to sikkim.. been there and seen all.. haha...so we wished.. but yes.. jaipur..or gwalior..they are there.... My love with papers...the emphasis on the technical...rather than the presentation...yes.. I don't mind...and will not change...EGO..this is where I get it from ... and ... I wont bend down... and I wont go first... it keeps me safe.. does it not .. truly the other half of my Golden Era..."Zimbabwe" the name comes from here.. in the first year...it was common.. in the last.. I was reminded of it.. This could be mine.. but.... No this is not My HomeTown

New Delhi : Another 3 months...but yes a lot of things change ... the question comes up ... and again ... priorities are being considered... the principal remains the same... SAHARA....yes its still there with me.. when I need it ...no two things about it!! But No... I have given up.. this cant be..and will never be.. No this is not My HomeTown


Pune : The hangover is there ... and again .. to prove a point I have the zeal... yes.. good boys are not difficult to find.. have a brilliant class around... but.. stay away from gals.. that's the best thing about it... The place I say really studied.. and It was fun.. coming home 5 am in the morning from lab..yes it is unique ... when the world goes to work.. I go to sleep.. it was not a night job.. it was a day and night job.. I will start again tomorrow at 11. No it was not studies...quake over lan...where did I get it from..?? Here only !! Yet again.. its the first company and the first interview.. I am done.. the brief trip to bombay..changes the whole perspective..yes..people change.. so should I. But back here...the feeling to perform is there.. I was up against the best.. yes they were better and are .. but still I tried...the name "PARAM" ...it came from here.. I am still good atleast in some thing..and besides...second is not bad..I got what I was looking for.. now I should move one.. but wait a minute.. I have to move again...No this is not My HomeTown

Bangalore : The constant urge to do something.. fired back in CDAC is extinguished.. or so I feel.. with nothing to do.. and frustrated faces around.. I try to bury myself .. in what I may consider the temporary shelter.. work... day in and day out..from 8 in the morning to 2 at night..from sunday to sunday....yes that's what I was ... on choice ... I am still considered good ... but don't let your expectations rise... Friends ... yes I have them here ... they are beside me ... but its about me.. which is not perfect ... I have always been lucky to get good guys around me !!! It has its highs ... the trip from Mongol.. to the frequent trips to Hyderabad.. and the single lone trip to Ooty... no .. it was not fun.. but yes.. it was better than the madness... I don't want it.. please.. No this is not My HomeTown

Hirama : Few months down the line.. and yes.. I like the place... the madness is here.. the serenity is also here. I have good people around .. the work is here.. but am up with against the best... but wait a minute.. there is a lot I am missing ... am I feeling lonely.. that's a word I don't have in my dictionary... am I not the one.. who would not mind to spend the whole life alone on a island where there is no one.. I though I was sufficient for myself...I still have to find the reason..it will be taken care somewhere the day I find it...yet again...it was SAHARA..that was to my rescue..and this other person. And yes..this is the place I have come online with my writtings...though it is more of explanations...the kind I took up on my way to GandhiNagar...and not in the proses...but this is what it is !! Things are organised.. things try to be logically interlinked.. they are punctual... and very obvious.. so what's wrong..I don't know.. the phase is still going on... the question.. yes the question.. it is finally answered.. the answer is what i had expected.. but the reason not... a lot of self introspection is awaiting.. but hope I can get over...oh..this all does not belong here...No this is not My HomeTown

Half the world..I have trotted.. seen a lot many placed.. Four religions I have experienced.. and no religion is not the criteria.. Three out of the Four colors of skin.. and again.. they are not important..then why the world is divided over these petty issues ?? But the world is mine.. I have blended and gelled.. I have fallen in love with all the placesI have been ...But I don't have My HomeTown no...I don't...have a place I can call my own...Always been a spectator...and may be thats what I will be .... the change is always needed.. to keep me away from becoming paranoid...yes..I don't My HomeTown...only because..the World is mine.. there are no limits...no boundaries...

I looked underneath...it was not there..
I looked overhead... and I still couldn't find it
I looked all around...and its no where to be found..
then it struck me..
I looked beneath...and its all there ...which I ever wanted..

Maturity...Part another!!

The juice is more important...its healthy ...its tasty..and lasts long. But I like ice-cream..even though..I will have to rush and eat it.. it may mess my clothes also...and maybe my health..but I like ice-cream better!! I know juice is nice, its gud..but so is ice-cream.. I chose Ice-Cream...

It was a wrong decision...no it was just a choice...or a simple matter of priority...may be not...it was simply my immaturity!!

Funny, how maturity is defined in so many vague ways...from decisions..to simple affirmations..anything to everything defines what maturity is...but maybe ..nothing is what it should mean..

"du2: 4 me maturity z wat u hold in brain...
nt in ur personality.......
kid: ur personality is in ur brain also..
but sayin wat in brain is pretty vague is it not ?
du2: datz true..
bt brains m talkin in context of decisions......
bin mature 4 me z u kw hw 2 make decisions...
kid: i think u mean the reasons behind the decisions....
du2: 2 differentiate bw weder u r rite or rong......"

How interesting is the above conversation...it travels from the personality...to the brain..via descisions and there reasons..to finally weder ones rite or wrong...
Being rite or rong..or what is rite or rong...is there a difference....
maybe being rite depends on wat others feel also.. it has that element of affirmation..of getting that so needed nod.. of certain..who have been the role models..
But never, the thought of what exactly one wants, occurs...does north really has to be north.. ?? or does blue looks blue to all...blue can be green to many..
and they still call it blue.. cant that be a possibility..

Why is it, if one thing is right..no other can be.. there cant be 2 rites..or 2 wrongs..or can there be ??
There is always one..and only one...way to reach the destination.

The people, whose nod we seek, guide us...so that the path we walk on is safe..not with as many pitfalls...where we may get hurt.
But walking on the more tough roads...knowing you will get hurt..is also immaturity..is it not?
One may argue..he has the right to know..what so wrong in travelling the paths that have not been travelled...or paths which are difficult.

Is that very nod..the one which affirms to you being mature...is it because..you have taken a decision..just because it fits into how the other has thought of it...or is it the reason..behind that reason..the fact of knowledge..you know..where its gonna hurt..and how bad..it gonna hurt..because of which..the path is not taken up.

Immature is he...who knows..it hurts..where it hurts..how bad it hurts..but not WHY it hurts...
Ignorant is one..who knows..it hurts..but does not know where, how bad or why ...it hurts...
Maturity..may be the reasons..of WHY it hurts...then choosing...to take the path or not..still rests on the person..
If he does not take he path..he is matured with respect to the present day world also...if he still takes up the path..knowing he will get hurt..and how bad the pain is going to be..he knows why it hurts..and why he still chooses of the path...then he is the kid...who knows ...getting hurt or not...this is the best path..with the beauty of and around the world more clearly visible..despite the pain..in and around you..he is the unlimited..!!

At the end.. "Maturity is directly proportional to the amount of embarrassment one can tolerate" -- someone's quote..whose I don't remember !!

NB: Thanx to the people whose chat has been quoted here...

...loneliness...

...the wind is blowing...on my face...drenched in rain i look up in the sky. Funny how somethings dont change...and some things do. Still the sky is dark at nite.. grey when it rains..still the droplets of rain coming down..are not seen...and still I am wet...

The river is flowing like somebody has asked it to go away...or some loved one is calling ..and he is rushing through to it..funny how we are stopped by things that ...at the end...dont really matter...
or we never try to be the river..which just flows.. we try to be the lake.. made by the artificial dam..somewhere within us...there is something stopping us...!!!

When it is not raining...when the clouds are not there ... and i look up...and i see the difference...
there are no stars...but they were there when i last looked...where are theynow...have they gone away now...but i used to like them!!! but...are they not there.. or just i cant see them....things have changed...no ..not the sky.. it doesnt ..stars are always there....but the change is in...where i am .. and the way i look up...and wat i m looking for!!

Heart of an Human Soul...

Heart of an Human Soul...
so Stupid it is!!!
Spends a little time with...
and think his it is !!!

Heart of an Human Soul...
so Shrewd it is !!!
Tell you a million lies...
and asks you to find the reason behind it !!!

Ego Trip..!!

The Question was..
If one thing you wanna take away from me .. what would it be.... there were always two meanings of it.. Some would take .. what thing is that u envy.. and will take it for urself....other better and dear mortals would want to take the worst thing of mine...so that I be a better human..
One of the replies was Ego !!
I was not able to place the answer, whether the person took the question to be the first one ... or the second one ?
I have always taken my Ego seriously...Its the one that has made me independent.. to take help from no one.. and still be able to walk the path that leads to my destination..
But is Ego bad.. does it make u feel aloof..does it distant you away from the people around you..
Well no .. Ego has always been good.. It has always given me the confidence.. to move forward.. to believe in my self.. to rise when I have fallen..take a new step.. do believe that it can be done...
I disagreed with N also...i dont need to have circle of interdependent points...it deprives me of the chance to learn...to be the kid that falls on his face... and realises that he has got hurt...becuase to understand the happiness of winning..you should know how it feels to loose...
Ego has played a very important role, it has always forced that need away of inter and intra-dependabilty away from me...
it has distinguished me...and at times.. it has defined me...
Its only a dream..
I have to be within the crowd...yet be different...so that the crowd notices me...!!!
--- somebody's quote...I don't remember whose !!

Trust Your Instincts !!

What happened to the zeal...which was there deep down inside asking you to take care...to achieve..to overcome..the fear thats been naggin you for some time...
how do you confront them or is better to just shy away ?

Who has to take charge..or is there a right time to take charge...
Shall I just live my life on a daily routine...but i have to do something.. to wander in the unchartered land...may be theres a point to prove...those hidden feeling which keep haunting back from time to time..
Every now and then it feels like its all a waste...where nothing worthwhile is achieved.. the same day and the same night..keeps on repeating it self.. what ever happened to the calibre..the destiny which is to be made...the paths which are trodden, marked by potholes...but lead to a fantasy...

Theres a thirst within...but how to quench..theres a well some where around...but how to go...a path to be taken..but which one..theres an answer....

All I need to do is Trust my Instincts..and Obey my Thirst...

Mt. Fuji

Had been waiting, to set my self loose...what better way then to climb in the wilderness, on something challenging...yet some thing beautiful...
The curtains were there..with the initial scare of the sky crying down.. oh what a pity...but it was not the way...things had to turn out.... I had to runaway.. and sure I did..

What was it like.. when you are again at the world's view.. with the sun on ur face...while u face the world...oh sure there was that feelin....the little slip..the freedom...but then that was not to be..
instead it was a very conscious effort to remain sane, that effort, to again fit into the group of the socalled 'mature'. But yeah, It was different than daily things...It was like me again.. the same ol' kid..trying to enjoy what is mine...being alone in the crowd...its difficult at times.. but it was fun..


It was the same ..like to remain under a zillion stars staring down from the sky.. like the sky is lit at night with lights in a distant city..but no they were not here this time.. alas.. memories remain..places change....

lookin forward for the next one though...where it will be me again..jst me..!!

Who Am I ?

Does age matter ??
Eyes wide opened ...when the number comes out.. why ?
Is maturity directly propotional to your age..or what was it...
"maturity is directly propotional to the amount of humiliation you can tolerate."
Suddenly the expectations are high...people realise things have been achieved pretty early in life...
Is it pure luck, or all in born talent or may be the opprtunities utilised well !!
Some thing like.. "may be 1 in a million can do" or better still " you are going too fast, one day you will crash".. was it taunt.. or acknowledgement of something...
at the end...being famous is something...fulfilling somebody's expectations something else..
one does well, gives hope... hope turns into expectations... and fulfilling expectations leads to glory...whilst trying to fulfill expectations ...which need not be... leads to demise of self...
At the end.. who are you...one who was before he started...or the one who is trying to continue the start which was there...

Is it good to please each and all...or am I trying to live a life thats not mine.
..its an alter ego...a soul thats forced to hide somewhere...because he is not expected

maybe its the confused soul...which knows what to do...or maybe he doesnt..
he knows the reason...
but the reason of the reason is what he cant really grasp..
he hates himself for being himself...yet its him what makes him...
things are done which are supposed to be...but is the statisfaction of right there ??

Frown, at my own self
For THE reason still a mystery to me...
wondering why I am doing so
I do it still unwantingly...