The Matrix Part II (The movie)

Interesting time I am going through.. somewhat like a crossroad.. but its a strange kind...you would remember I talked about ego and also I talked about choices one had to make.. remember the boy.. who will try even if he wont achieve it..??

Taking a decision to start is easy...but what happens when you are half way through...do you snap..or do you keep on continue..when do you stop ??
There is something I know I will not get...I am even not sure whether I want it...but I am enjoying it(enjoying it does not mean that I have it..so dont get confused)...so should I try to get it..well why do I need it...its a simple answer..its because.."All I want is Everything"...and so I want it.. but I wont get it.. but I do have some little hope..in my heart...within myself..that I have tiny winy chance..all I need to do is say the right things..at the right time..and keep my fingers crossed....Is it that simple ??
Well the simple answer is no...its not even that simple..infact ...it may be so.. that achieving that is not feasible..
As I write this.. I realise..that if I really want it..I will get it.. there is nothing stopping me from that..but there is something that scares me...may be I am not ready for it...I am not really sure..as usual I am confused..

Even all this confusion and all the reason why I might not get it..I still try.. or am still trying.. Why ??... because I dont know when to give up.. there is this little hope.. always in my mind(What is mind??) that I can get it.. and even if I dont get it.. my only job is to try .. not to wait for the whatever the outcome will be...because even if I dont achieve the goal..I will realise Why its not for me..or What I really want..or maybe Whats good for me..Also again..there is this Ego(Oops, here it comes again)...If I dont try..I feel I am afraid of loosing...If I give up..I am afraid of trying ...trying hard....If I fall down..and dont try again....I am afraid of standing up..and risking it all over again..afraid of admitting that I can loose...

So at the end..I keep on trying it..even if at the end of the day.. I look like a fool...even if at a later stage in life..I look back and realise how stupid I was.. and am..

But wait a minute...Why I am stupid..for trying what I knew I will not get ??.. Sorry my man..you are wrong...Stupid...for not trying it hard enough...for not understanding the very obvious reasons...stupid..for feeling the cold feets ..of deciding whether I should go ahead try...or not...because at the end of the Day .. I will go ahead and try.. and later on.. those little trying will give me the reasoning .. and understand.. Who really I am.. and What really I want...above all understanding.. Why I need and want..!!

The decisions have been made...your fate has been decided...it is already known what choices you will make in life.. but the reason why you have to make those choices is to understand.. why you HAVE to make those choices...to understand the reasons of choosing them over the others!!

Thats the jist.. I dont remeber the exact words.. its from The Matrix Part II (The movie)

...lost...again.. so Why ??

Why do I feel the way I do.. My heart is heavy.. again..something has irked deep down.. but am unable to understand..what! Why do I keep on having expectations.. yet repeatedly I give to advice to others.. not to expect anything from anyone.
Why does minute things irk me.. which others are not bothered even about. Am I so emotional ?
Almost each day, I have tried to understand the various reasons.. yet I have been unsuccessful..to find out who I am ?? Funny how some do expect to understand me.. some can ..but they also are not very sure..when another shade is revealed.. so at the end.. what makes me.. that sometimes I myself am surprised... who controls all the ambiguities with in me...

So many times.. others have been wrong.. so many times.. I wish I would not be that way.. and I have tried.. then why am I not successful .. in changing the perspective.. what others have.. what I have..

Is it so important.. or should I just not care..and move on.. but still deep down.. I know.. it will come back to me again..

Looking back.. sometimes I feel I was foolish.. sometimes I think of the reasons.. sometimes I try to remember why....but right now.. I know the consequences.. I know the result.. but then why do I eagerly wait..to go.. to move forward.. to fall..
At the end.. I know.. I will get hurt.. so Why ??

yet again.. the words echo.. yet again.. I find a different meaning..

Frown at my ownself...
for A reason still a mystery to me..
Wondering why I am doing so ..
I do it still unwantingly ...

My Names ...:D

Well..with all the crap..lets have something interesting.. I think it is funny..

Traveled as I have...and the different places, schools, cultures I have been through..I have been addressed with a whole variety of different names.. thought it could be funny and interesting if I you know.I have also tried to give reasons also.. they are solely of why I think they were given to me.

When I was in Jeddah ( I cant remember anything earlier to that)

• Buneet - I think they had problem in pronouncing my name. :D
• Peanuts - resembles close to my name ...and it funny

those are the only i remember

When in Delhi

• Tiger - for a very brief time it was , there was this TV serial called Tiger on DD Metro (I think). Well we used to play this game where by u had to take the whole other team as captive. So the person who could not be kept captive, I had to hold him. They thought I was strong at that time...atleast at one point of time I have been :D
• Mota - This is the pre-dominant name I had in that place. I guess after all I was not strong...I fat ;)

When in Harare

• Mu-Rungu - Means the fair colored one. Well I am dark, but among all them I was fair..but it was nothing to be proud of...but Mr. Siziba used it a lot
  
• Mu-India - Means from India. So I was an ambassador for my country..huh ?? But it was interesting and fun.. you know.. to be addressed as a country.. imagine .. Bharat Mata..and me Bharat.. hahaha...I am male though :D
• Kid - Well I happened to be the youngest already.. then I shifted to Lower 6 while I should be in Form-3. Imagine..every one around is 20-21, you 14.. it was good to be a called a kid. I stuck to this name..I will take this again latter though
• leadpb - This one..I took it up myself.. I think I was a big dumb nerd at that time..let me explain how it is related. My first name starts with a P and my last name with a B. Hence the pb. If you go to the periodic table, pb, is lead. Hence leadpb. Also lead is shields a lot of things. This can again be covered separately. But tell you.. that's where I start to become a real bore.. by any standards for that matter :D
• puntin - now I dont know how it came...but my history teacher couldn't recall my name every time he saw me.. so he resorted to something he could.and this was it.
  

and in Agra

• Zimbabwe - I can be the only guy who has been addressed with names of countries I think..two for that matter... This was mainly due to the fact that I just arrived from there...and it was a big mess during the ragging period. For those who don't know.. Zimbabwe is a country in the southern part of Africa. Home of the mighty Victoria Falls
  
• Bhattu - the loved once name..
• kiddo - a derivative of kid.. and still being used by a group of people
  

In Pune

• Param - Mmm...time to brag.. :D I like this.. Param is the Supercomputer in CDAC..the first developed there..still very advanced.. Gud to be called something intelligent rite.. tell you what.. I personally feel..computers are stupid..and they are the future idiot boxes
  

Well I have been called 'lallu' a lot.. its not good to be called..but very nice to hear from the person who calls it...


A brief explanation of Kid..and why Kid

As far as I remember it was first coined to me by Casper Marowa. The guy who had topped in his class from Form1 straight to Form4 all the months back after back...and the Head Boy at that point of time. He was the only who had taken 4 subjects (the standard was 3)...before I joined him. With all the hype around me...and whatever.. I was still a young one.. who just happened to be there.. a kid..until people realised I was giving a run to all of them at least in 2 of the subjects..
But otherwise.. it made me realised.. I still had to nurture a lot of things socially, academically and personally.. so I stuck with it..thinking I will take it away when the rite time comes..
In Agra.. when we were learning the basics of Internet...I was trying to open all my ids with leadpb ( I still have a leadpb as ids on a lot of various mail servers) but unfortunately yahoo's leadpb had already been taken...so i went for kid. 3 letters is not sufficient.. so I had to think of something else...or something more.. so I came up with kid_unltd (meaning kid unlimited).
Latter down the years.. I realised.. I was going to be a kid for a long time to come atleast on the personal front.. and it was something good I chose for myself...In CDAC.. during one of the feedback sessions.. (I got tons of positive feedbacks...time to brag again.. :D)..but Scientist gave it only two words. he is KID Un Limited... but also there..in a goofed up experiment...the password of that ID got changed ...and ... no one knows what it is....so its dead.. I had to come up with something else...coz.. chatting was the basic medium I was in touch with my family...I came up with kid_vlsi...
Ahan one more thing...for a couple of weeks.. when the internet was newly launched at my college...we had these chatting sprees...so I had a another yahoo id at time also.. though it was only for ...say a 2 week period.. coz thats only the time our internet worked at college....the id was loverboypb well..:D... kid_vlsi is basically an alternate profile of loverboypb...well right now loverboypb..does not come online now.. i should relaunch it again....wat u say..??

Ok.. nothing was remotely funny or interesting..but hey.. u got to know about loverboypb..so stop cribbing :D

Being funny is nice..making fun out of others is cool..maybe ok..but taking your mistakes and making a joke..laughing on them is a personality !!

I Like you ...means...Who are you !!

Did you know...??
I Like U...what does it mean ??
Well it means Who are you !!


This is a special case, in which I Like U has a meaning that is way away from normal interpretation. The method by which it is concluded can be very controversial, but if a little thought is given, it makes a lot of sense, atleast to me it does.

What do you think two strangers meet, they talk about ?

When two people meet for the first time, and they have a conversation that last more than the regular introducing, their conversation is based merely in knowing each other. A lot of data on personal interests is shared, a lot of likes and dislikes, passions and hobbies. All this data when interpreted in the sense, tells what the persons is, his interest, his passions, the hobbies that he takes up tells a lot about the persons attitude, toward the things he likes. How he feels about certain aspects of life.

But looking at the conversation in a different way, only taking the words we can see being the most dominant words in a conversation between any two people who have met the first time, we can conclude that certain words come up again and again. That is ofcourse after the basic introduction!! (I have only tried to reduce some controversy in adding this line here)

"I have been..blah blah blah...and I am still ...blah blah..but I like...blah blah..you should...blah blah ..will like..blah blah.."

Listen to this for some more time you can make out the 3 words ....
I
U
LIKE

These words, tend to be the most dominant in a conversation...
In a way, the overall understanding of the conversation is, each one of the participant tries to find from the other who he is. In other words, every think points in direction of "Who are you"
To facillitate the getting out of the meaning, by way of finding his interests, the first person tells his interests so that the other person is more comfortable in sharing.. hence he happens to tell what he like and then asking his...in effective it comes out like "I Like this.. what about you"

and then the most common words out of the conversation are "I Like You"

While the conversation was using the words "I Like You" the effective meaning was "Who are you" !!

=> How I thought of this one
I went to G.B. Pant University(There are a lot of memories and things that I can talk about that trip) for a paper presentation. In one of the contests, this question was there. What are the three most common words in any conversation. It was an interesting question, and by far the most thought provoking. I figured it was "I Like You" and I think it was the only thing that I wrote correct. The organisers had a different answer, I was very much satisfied with the answer I had come up with.

Recently having a conversation I asked the same very question
What do you think two strangers meet, they talk about ?
The answer was very different but a made a lot of sense also.
"Who are you?"

It sure does make a lot of sense to me...!!

NB : For those who are shy, for those who flirt, for those who want to say... I Like You...
I find this to be a very interesting way !!

Maturity- Part 1

A gal and A boy of the same age, A gal is likely to be more matured !

At first I disagreed, then I agreed and now I disagree again, infact I will correct it.

A gal of lesser age than a boy, still the girl is likely to be more matured !!

Think again...if the gal clearly knows it can't be done, she wont will..as you will agree ... no sane person will. The gals know exactly what they want, they can prioritize stuff and then choose accordingly, weighing one over the other. Gals cry because somebody has hurt them, when words can't help, tears do.

The boy, will try, give his 100 %, even if he knows he will not succeed. He tries not because he wants to succeed, just to make sure he will not have any regrets in future of not trying. He doesn't know what he wants, he cannot priortize. Simply because "all he want is ...everything"
and he cannot decide what he should give up inorder to get what other. Ever seen a boy crying ?? He cries when he has hurt himself, he does not cry when others have, he simply picks himself up and walk forward, cursing and fighting his way !! He cries out of frustration, of not being successful.

So who will say, gals are not mature, they understand all these things. But what to do.. thats how they are made...

I don't want to change, so don't expect me to change for you.

If I change, for the whatever reasons I have to

Don't expect me not to change, because thats what I have to be !