... so let go...

The fear. We all have different types of fears. But all the fears converge, in a way, to a one particular kind of fear. the Fear of Loosing. It is an emotion, which we all experience, for certain kind of things. A scenario where we may loose what we have. Those anxious moments before exams or sports, they are the fear of failure, the fear of loosing out your prestige in front of others and more importantly the fear of loosing out your prestige in front of yourself. The fear of height or water or other kinds of phobias, they are the fearing of lossing your self to death.

Whenever we are in a state when we are not able to imagine how things will next be, we are in a state of fear. This hinders us from taking the next step, because you will invariably think, 'What if I don't make it??'. The element of risk. No wonder why they say, 'The greater the risk, the higher the returns'. Its not the returns we are thrilled about it is the journey towards those results, which makes us thrilled. That every moment, before you reached there, when you thought, 'Ohl, only if this happens'. The joy is not in achieving what you wanted but the joy is in understanding that you have worked your way despite of all the odds and have been successful. There are those, but certainly in very less numbers, who just try and inspite of there failures still smile.But I am not talking about them.

But an altogether different things come into picture, when you bring some of your traits and mix them up with your fears. I think thats when most of us make mistakes, stupid mistakes. Its not wrong to make mistakes, but its wrong, when you repeat them. There are some mistakes, which are irreversible, and then there are some whose are reversible. It is commonly said, 'To Break is easy, but to fix what is broken is equally difficult if possible at all'. Some us do not venture out to
mend what they have broken. Mostly I believe for the simple reason that admitting that have you have made a mistake is difficult. All kinds of excuses are given, especially, the name of misunderstanding. The motive is often discussed. The motive when action was being done, and the motive when apologizing. But whatever kind of excuses or reasons you may give, it does not change that something wrong was done. Admitting it and maybe mending the consequences can altogether help in a different way. In a way, to understand that, it doesnt change what you actually are. It may change the other peoples' perspective, but if the perspective can be changed that easily, it can be changed, again so easily, with a admission to fault. We just have to understand that, it is not important. We just need to let go

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

-Let Go by Frou Frou

PS : I have told these are random thoughts, so don't complain, if it is
not streamlined or if it is not in sync or if there is jumping of thoughts in between. Don't complain if it doesn't make sense, because it makes sense to me !! So Let Go !!

SAHARA

SAHARA means support.
Its funny how we took up the name. The whole story of just to have a name and which also goes along with BHAROSA meaning trust. But besides the name, there is nothing else a resultant from the association from the BHAROSA-ians

So what exactly is SAHARA??
At best it can be described as an occult, with a total of 8 morons following the whatever there is to follow, at best can be described as insanely passionate and emotional if not religiously. Funny weird looking and acting creatures performing equally weird conversations and activities within themselves.

If I stand outside for a moment, away from the group, trying to picture myself as not part of it (though it is very difficult to imagine that) and try to understand these people, I would no doubt say they have the 'Agra' effect on them. Even in one those things that we did, many of us acknowledged that, sometime in future, we would look back and realise how 'out of our minds' we were. But even though I look back and do that, I am glad I did it. Life is not all being about smart, mature and figured out, its also about the child, the emotions and the trust which somehow bonds all humans together.

Guys in late teens and early twenties moving out of home for the first time and joining college. Looking back, we didn't have anything common way back then. Different sections of classes, different streams of education, different places from where we each are and the different backgrounds of both life and family structure. What exactly did brought us together, I sit down and now wonder !! I guess this is what people call Chemistry or 'the frequency matches'. But whatever it is, it made us all share a bond that is difficult to describe. Two guys who went to the same high school, two guys who, in there early childhood, lived in the same neighbourhood, two guys who are brother by blood and a guy who just links us all up together. Well that's how it started, with another one joining after an year.

So what is it. Why do we bond so well ?? We don't match much. We all have somethings that each of us hate about other. Then why do we stick around. During these past few months,I have realised there were a lot of interesting people in College, whom I had never talked in College. Thinking of why, I figured out that I was so content with Sahara as my friends that I never bothered to look beyond them. I never felt any need or want or desire to look for some other people to hang out. I had them in my class, on my way back to the room from college, in the room. I had them around me, when I would go to in to those weird moods, when everything around me would look immaterial, they were around also when I was in those pessimistic frenzies of mine or those when I would think that life is not taking its desired shape. There were also those days when we would decide things on the moment. As I write this, some of the few things come into my mind, as if they just happened, and I think I should share them

Venue : Conference Room, Anand Engg. College. A Day after a company visited the campus for recruitment.

It was one of those days, when everyone around me was dull. This is when on the very next day of company campus, when all those who didn't get placed, were at lowest possible levels of themselves questioning everything that came into their way. Mr. Bhatia, the then TPO had called all of us for some discussion. During the discussion, the girl commented on the topic which we used for debating, population. One of us, Vikram, had debated for population to be a boon for us. All she had done was to say that it was the most stupidest thing to go for. Vikram shot up and explained his point, after her counter argument came all of us, one by one, including me, bringing out the fact the US is the third most populous country, after China and India. People didn't believe. Mr.Bhatia went on to say that it was Brazil. We all gave some reasons or the other. And a lot of things what we said were guess work and made up things just to make a point. During our internal 'addas' we frequently ourselves thought that Population was to some extend a problem. But it was not about what we thought, we were just there with Vikram, to support him and tell all that it was his fair choice and logical reasoning why he took that decision. No one had a right to say that he was wrong. Specially some other student who thinks of something of herself, which she was not!!

Conclusion : We would be there for each other, not because he was right, but because he relied, believed that we would be there for him. Backing him up. It was not something planned,discussed, it was instantaneous. I have never forgotten that day.

I think I can cite a lot of other incidents and accidents. But I am not very good at explaining, so I will just skip it.
With all this, I just want to say, the time I spent with them wherever I was, could not have been any better. Its the best way I think I have spent that time which was available to me.

Another one,

Being the Atheist I am, I never go to temples or any other place (I like to go to church though, solely for the silence though, not religious purpose). The famous Mann ka Meshwar mandir in Agra, I did enter there. Since I have entered I will pray. There is no harm in trying is there !!. So after performing the rituals and coming out. Anurag asks "Did you pray in English or Hindi??". I don't pray aloud, my lips don't move, so what prompted him to ask the question?? I knew in which language I prayed. Funny, I never noticed that myself, but he could make out. 4 years together, and he knows me to this extend that I was literally shocked. Imagine the bond, we were able to read each others thoughts, predict each others words and actions in advance. Could it get any better ?? Its not the only where it happened. I remember in G. B. Pant ( there is another bunch of stores I can tell you about that trip, that me, gaggi and somu, did, but I wont take it here !!). Somu had a dream, a night prior to his presentation (comeon we all dream of things before any big day!!.. provided we get sleep :D ). In his dreams Dr. Sussarla had asked him to concentrate on the points, on the main points. Whilst he was telling us about it, I told him it was very 'obvious'. He smiled( I still remember that smile !!) and said, that's what I told him in his dream also. I sometimes feel so scared that these guys no me know as open as a book !!

We had no boundaries within ourselves. What was his was mine, and what was mine was his. The only thing that we didn't touch of eachothers was money, not because the other had stopped us, but because it was myself only which will not touch his. Only Gagan and Varma and Somu had cellphones amongst all. I used Gaggi's cell for my communication, to the extend, that it was with me for more time then with him. Almost daily, for more than 4 hours each day, it was with me at night. I never complained. I think he needed it during those times, and I think it didn't go well with him, but funny he never complained about it to me. If you knew Gaggi I am very sure you will that is highly unlike him!! The feeling was not it is mine and his, it is ours. It was not capitalist set up, but a total Marxist way of living life.

Timing Basav for his non stop talking, to pulling Mehandi's (Rohit) leg. To sit for hours and talking (adda marna) and playing computer games in shifts for days in continuous (including bunking college). It was all amazing!!. The first time we drank, the first crushes, the first time we
talked to gals, the first gals the first breakups. It was all something that makes those life amazing.

Have you ever gone into a restaurant and eaten to such an extend that the waiter asks you "Abhi aur khaoge??" ("You will eat more ??") with a baffled look. Imagine 8 guys in a high class restaurant , ate for over three hours with over 5 rounds of order, he was so tired with serving one big table (joining 2 small ones) and serving a bunch of college students who were eating like they were starved and had not seen food for some weeks. We were the guys who would try all kinds of foods and be happy, able to survive on kind of edible stuff. We used to order food by the serial number on the menu in one particular restaurant, we used to drink ATLEAST 2 bottles of coke or thumps up whenever we drank it. The guys who will finish of there room mates lunch, and ask him to cook more !! :)

We had a real tough time with girls, we used to hate some particular girls (KB , SS are the first two names that come to my mind, they may not have to be same for all of us!!), our relationships. The good thing was we had each other, with whom we were able to talk freely and expect them to atleast give there point of view. If whether they thought we were right or wrong. I will not go into the details, but I remember, Basav once told me " A girl can never remain your friend after she is married". There were a lot of things he had told me at that day, most of which I had disagreed. But he had told me those, I had listened. I am sure he did not expect me to do as he wanted, he knew I will not, but he still told me, for my own good. Years later, I confess, some of those things are correct !!

If you think, that we used to do stuff what only friends do, then its wrong, we were way more than friends. Friends don't take care of you when you are infected Chicken Pox, to the extend that they shift rooms, so that you can stay, arrange all your food, and feed you. Taking care of your daily needs and diet. Nor do they teach you how to wear your clothes, how to comb your hair, how to brush your teeth or how to keep yourself clean. Its job of your parents. But we all did do these things to each other at one point time or the other. Its not the big things that matter, its the reminiscence of these little, small gestures that bring a smile to your face !!

I am not handsome, and never any body had told me that I was looking good.My poor dressing sense being the main culprit for it. Until it Cerebrum 2003. It was the first time I was supposed to present a paper. My job was only to concentrate on the paper, the other things which included the dressing was suppose to be taken care by these people. With a very limited wardrobe which I prefer to keep, for purely logistic reasons. I must tell you it was not an easy job with them. But ever they did, I had more "Looking Handsome !! " comments on that particular day then I think all cumulative of the other days in my life.

Not many know us as Sahara as a group of friends, but those who did, I figure, think very highly of us. I have heard quite a few things about us, but one particular comment stands out for me. It was in the eighth semester, Ankur was with us in one of our Birthday parties or trips in Sadar. We were the normal ourselves and at times tried our best to make Ankur feel part of us. We tried our best, I am not sure if he felt anywhere left out or not. But at the end of the days, when we were almost through with our ice-creams', Ankur told "I had never has so much fun, on a Birthday treat. We also have these, but it is never like this." I don't know what made him say that, but whatever it was about us, It made me feel very Proud, not of me, but of the Guys !!

You know, I can go on and on, talking about us SAHARA-ians, but no matter how much I talk, it will still make feel that I am not doing justice to the bond we share.

So no matter how much I write, how hard I try, I am not going to feel satisfied. So I will stop here.

In the end, I will quote the Oxford Dictionary in the year 2020 :

Sahara : A Hindi word meaning support
A huge group of companies in India.
An highly uncommon surname in India
A synonym of Friendship and brotherhood.

"Hum Aath rang hain, yeh duniya rangeen banaenge"

Sahara :

Soumyanath Ghosh aka somu

Rohit Mehandiratta aka mehandi,

Gagan Gopal aka gaggi

Anurag Sharma aka anu

Vikram Jyoti Nath aka vicky

Basav Jyoti Nath aka bash

G. S. R. Varma aka varma

and me !!

On my way here...

Although my journey to here was pretty much uneventful, there is one incident, which has played a great role in shaping my thoughts of what I expect here.

My flight here was almost 6 hours late (this is usually expected when you travel with the Air Lines) taking off 2 in the morning from the scheduled 8 the previous night The Airline staff had to arrange our dinner in one of the lounges. You would understand the lounges are usually small or small for an audience of 200 odd passengers, there was a queue leading up to the buffet table. The limited number of table meant that as soon as you finish your dinner, on a table which you are sharing with your co-passengers, you make for the next one so that they can also have their meal. When I reached my table, there was already two guys enjoying. One I can say was travelling for the first time, by the looks of his unsure methods whilst the other was a seasoned traveller and I think accustomed to this delay.

Me joining with them would make a complete set of a rookie, a pro and an occasional player in me. The fourth seat was occupied, later, by a japanese lady. (Dont get your hopes up, this is happening with ME, shewas not pretty !!)

Since the wait was pretty much tiring and there were not many things available to eat, I guess I was not the only one hungry. All three of us had hit for a second set of helpings. All this, as I tell you, was happening without anyone of us talking to the other. We hadn't introduced ourselves to each other, and there had no reason also, I was going to hit the sack as soon as I land myself an
aircraft seat. The rookie unsure of what he was required to do of the plate has slowed down his eating so that he could figure out the same from the pro. He could have asked it, but I tell you, rookies are not good at asking stuff which may seem very obvious. I must tell you, it was not obvious for me too, but I had it figured out from what I saw of happening at the other tables,largely due to a better sitting place availing the view.

As was happening, the pro, after finishing his food, simply wiped himself clean and headed outside, leaving his plate on the table. This being India, none of us would have found anything wrong with that. With a sigh of relief, the rookie, finished also and did the same. So on the table now, left was only the lady and me. The foodie I am, I still had to finish off. In the meantime, the lady after finishing her meal and leaving her plate behind like the rest of the guys, gathered all the plates and cups on the table, and kept them in a neat orderly fashion, one on top the other.

There was no reason why she should have done that , given that we don't usually have the attitude of picking up others' used plates. The look on her face was not a revealing one of her thoughts, thought only i could make out that she was pretty exhausted with the long wait. I didn't really understand what to make out. What shocked me was not that she cleaned up the table, but she did what people usually dont like to do even if they are paid for it. But whatever it is, It made me realise you can do things the way you want to, even if the general public does not
approve of it, or does not want to do it themselves.It kept me pondering, and I still do it.

You want to know what I did my plate ?? I left it where I ate my food and not on the pile tacked by the lady !!

BODMAS of Girls

Well this was told by a friend way in school. I still think it is valid
to a great extend and besides it is funny !!

I call it the BODMAS of gals after the early way of learning the
priorities of mathematical operations over each other, though actually
it can be called only the DMAS of girls. So here it is

Girls will cause

Division - of your money
Multiplication - of your problems
Addition - of your enemies
Subtraction - of your friends

Interesting...ain't it !!

Obsession

I recently realised how obsessed I am with ... myself !! Does this mean that I am all self-centered. Lets just take it I am .. so it is something wrong ?? Do I need to improve it or it is just one of those small things that define me... things which are part of my Characteristic Equation which do not have a very high weight but they do shape up my day to day life ...

Well this obsession, or whatever it is.. has help me realise what factors govern that equation of mine...and it also helps me understand.. on rare occasions though... what others think of me..as I end up asking certain questions which many 'normal' people don't ask... and may be it is some extended talk of the 'I like U' stuff I talked about earlier, only hurdle in that is people should be willing to give an honest opinion, the brunt truth..

This obsession also find me critically taking everything that i have assimilated over a period of time, which may be a year, a month, a day or a simple conversation... and then trying to link up things that have no relation at all between themselves.. but then I look for he omens, the signs which may be just there.. and I may have lost them, missed them.. but I do later realise things.. which just fall in place..

I know I am slow to realize things which are following a pattern.. which are there in front of me.. and are very obvious.. its not that I am dumb ( and whatever made you think that for that matter ??) ...its only that I have better thoughts ... in my mind.. with which I would rather spend time on.. about myself.. then something else.. which is simple going on around me .. falling in to pattern.. it doesn't matter .. that later I may realise it should have been taken account..but I am sorry.. right now.. I am in my own world...!!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I previously talked about Friendship and also I talked about Selfishness and how it is embedded in each one of our lives, so deep, that we dont even notice it. To add on to what I have previously talked about I just want to add on a line from the title song from the famous SitCom F.R.I.E.N.D.S

"I will be there for you....b'coz you are there for me too !!"

Simply summarizes all the obligations and return back stuff. And no word is more important in the above line the word Because, as it tells all what I wanted to tell about. !!

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Master of my Fate and Captain of My Soul

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul
In the fell clutch of circumstances
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of change
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the year
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Invictus by William Ernest Henley